Caring for Aging Parents: Why Having a Plan Still Wasn't Enough

I spoke with a woman named Nicole recently. She reached out to me because she'd seen some of my posts about helping aging parents. She didn't need my help as she'd already been through it. She just wanted to talk to someone who understood what it's like when the world turns upside down and when there's only one person holding it together.

The Family Had a Plan

Nicole's parents had done more than most. They went to an attorney and set up a trust. Her dad managed the finances, the insurance, the bills so her mom didn't worry about any of it. They were loving, involved parents and not careless. They had a plan. At least they thought they did.

The Accident

Nicole's dad was hit by a car while riding his bike. The injuries were severe, including a traumatic brain injury. The kind that doesn't heal and go away. He was going to need ongoing care, potentially for years. Her mom shut down. She had never touched the finances, never dealt with insurance, never looked at the legal documents. She didn't know where anything was and couldn't make sound decisions. So Nicole stepped in.

She didn't know where to start so she began Googling. "What to do when a parent is hospitalized." "How to get power of attorney." "Who pays for long-term care." One search led to another, and one phone call led to three more. She was learning the entire system from scratch while her dad was in the hospital and her mom was feeling stressed at home.

The trust her parents set up did not work quite as expected. Nicole only discovered this after she started digging through the paperwork looking for answers. Her dad was listed as the decision-maker on every account and directive and there was no backup. There was no Advance Health Care Directive. No HIPAA authorization. As a result, Nicole had no legal standing to step in for either of them. She had to figure out how to get that authority while simultaneously learning what medications her dad was on, what insurance they had, what bills were due, and what her dad's care was going to cost.

Every problem was its own silo. For example, the attorney for legal questions, the insurance company for coverage, the hospital for medical decisions or the bank for account access. Nicole was the only one handling it and had to connect the dots.

She told me something I haven't been able to shake: "The two people we always looked to for guidance needed the guiding. And nobody was there to do it."

Why the Plan Wasn't Enough

Nicole's parents did what they thought was right. They went to an attorney and set up a trust. But then they stopped as they thought that was enough. A trust mainly covers assets and finances but it doesn't cover medical decisions or give Nicole permission to talk to their doctors, provide medication information, insurance information or general billing information. That's why it's important to set up a plan that is holistic and covers all of life's most important areas.

They had one piece of the plan and assumed it was the whole thing. Nobody helped them see what was missing and by the time Nicole found out, she was already in the middle of a crisis with no roadmap.

Where to Start

If Nicole's story sounds familiar, or if it made you think about your own parents, here are 5 basic things you could prepare and then gradually add on more.

Know your parents' medications. Ask your parents what they're taking, what it's for, and what the dosage is. Take a photo of every pill bottle label and save it on your phone. If your parent ends up in an ER, the first thing they'll ask you is what medications they're on.

Know their doctors. Primary care doctor, any specialists, and what they're being seen for. Get names and phone numbers. Write them down somewhere you can find at 2 AM.

Get a HIPAA authorization signed. Without this, their doctors can't legally share your parent's medical information with you. You can download the form online, print it, and get it signed at the kitchen table over coffee. It takes five minutes and it means you won't be shut out of a conversation when it matters most.

Know their insurance. Find out if your parents have Medicare, a supplemental plan, or both. Ask where the cards are. Take a photo of the front and back of every insurance card and save it on your phone.

Get an Advance Health Care Directive in place. This is the document that names someone to make medical decisions for your parent if they can't make them for themselves. Without it, no one in your family has the legal authority to say yes or no to a treatment, a surgery, or a care plan. Your parent can download the form, fill it out, and get it signed without an attorney.

How Silver Strong can help

What Nicole needed wasn't someone to take over. It was someone to walk alongside her. Someone who could look at the whole situation and say "here's what matters most right now, here's what can wait, and here's who to call for that." Someone who could help her connect the dots instead of fighting through every silo alone.

That's what Silver Strong does. When your family needs clarity or relief, we are here so you don't have to do this alone.

Learn more at silverstronglife.com or write to makeitcount@silverstronglife.com

Written by Franklin Tieu, founder of Silver Strong Life. Read my story at silverstronglife.com/mystory